where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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