I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
