Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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