i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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