I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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