Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
