i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
How does it feel to date your dad?
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