i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
