I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My vagina just recognized that song.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
