I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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