is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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