whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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