i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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