drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
