Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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