The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
