Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize