no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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