I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
