so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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