Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
