I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
