Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
