I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
