I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
