Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
soo... how was my night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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