he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
