Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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