He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
