Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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