your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
