Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
birth control should be required to get into college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
