You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
