I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
