Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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