Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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