6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
