I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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