can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
this hospital has no fireball
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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