the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
