New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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