Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
