I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
