I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
birth control should be required to get into college
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
organizing the empties. That sober.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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