I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
