I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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