Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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