I'm so fucking centered right now
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
