That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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