I am in a vortex of obligation.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
