Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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