i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I checked into jail on foursquare
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
