I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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