oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize