ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
